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Studies show that high self-esteem is the #1 ingredient essential for developing happiness, fulfillment, rich relationships, and overall success in life. In the life of every child, usually sometime between birth and age 6, something happens to have the child doubt him or herself. Someone says or does something that has the child believe that he or she is flawed, unlovable, not worthy, imperfect.
This initial stressful incident is the first real realization that the child is not perfect and fails to measure up to society's standards in some important way. The initial upset can be one of two types. The first assault could be an unkind word from a peer or authority figure, a spanking, an insult, an argument, a bullying or name calling episode. It could occur as a direct result of something the child said or did that provoked an attack on his or her sense of worthiness or ability to fit in.
The second type of self-esteem diminishing episode can be as a result of the child misinterpreting someone's words or actions to mean that the child is flawed, unlovable, or defective in some way. In such a case, no insult or demeaning connotation was intended. The facts were that someone said or did something. The child mistakenly made up that there was something wrong with him or her as a result of what was said or done.
The consequences of low self-esteem
Daily, there are hundreds of opportunities for a child to misinterpret life in a way that tarnishes their self-image over the long term. A common example of such a misinterpretation can be when parents get divorced. What happened was the adults fell out of love or realized that they wanted to separate.
What the child made up was that if he had only been a better boy and did a better job cleaning his room, or picking up his toys, mom and dad wouldn't have fought so much and would still be together. The child may make up that he is bad and people leave him because of this.
Another example of this faulty reasoning might be an episode where the parents drop off a child for a week with a relative. Perhaps they feel they need a vacation or might need to tend to some business matter and decide that it would be easier for the child to be minded by a sitter.
The child makes up that his parents don't love him and that people want to get rid of him. With this sort of tendency toward faulty interpretation, there are literally thousands of opportunities for the child to attach a meaning to the situation that begins the process of eroding self-esteem.
The process of diminished self-esteem does not stop at such an initial decision regarding the child's value. The child, armed with the belief that she is not good enough, now scans for additional situations that may serve as more evidence to reinforce this initial thought of being flawed. During such potentially upsetting events, the child reinforces this idea of unworthiness by further interpreting life events to prove the fact that she is defective.
After years of accumulating such evidence, their self-image deteriorates further with every episode. Before long, there is no doubt in the person's mind that there is something wrong with them. After all, they have created a self-fulfilling prophesy to cement this belief firmly in their self-perception.
Parents can do much to insure that children grow up with the high self-esteem that will support their happiness, relationships, fulfillment, and success.
Here are 10 specific ways to support their self-esteem development:
1. Look with the child to identify what may be missing that if put into place would allow them to be more effective
Parents can do much to support their children to feel good about themselves and to champion their child's self-image. They can continually reinforce the concept that no one is perfect and all one can do is their best. They can be a source of unconditional love, supporting the child at every opportunity and encouraging them to see themselves as worthy of affection, abundance, love, and trust. T
hey can make sure that the child understands that they, as parents, might not always agree with the child's behavior. However, they can continually reinforce that the child is NOT their behavior. Everyone makes mistakes and life is a process of learning and growing. No matter what mistakes the child makes, he or she must realize that they are always inherently good, lovable, and worthy.
Parents can continually reinforce that they love their children unconditionally. Children need to realize that even when they make mistakes and parents do not approve of their behavior, this does not affect their love for them or their sense of value. Children will benefit from knowing that they are loved for who they are, not just what they do.
2. Assist each child to identify and pursue special hobbies, interests, and passions
Parents can consistently acknowledge their children for worthwhile qualities they see in them. They can get into the habit of finding something good about them every day and pointing it out. Rather than focusing on their weakness and faults, they can empower their strengths and communicate that everyone has unique talents and gifts that make them special. They can support children to identify their passions and pursue their special interests and develop their gifts.
3. Regularly support children to see the other person’s perspective and to possess empathy and understanding
Parents can teach their children to interpret life with empathy. They can support them to imagine what it is like in another person's world so they can better understand why people do the things they do. They can support their children to not take the reactions of others personally. When children realize that no one else can make them angry, sad or afraid, only they themselves can, they learn to not be reactive and easily provoked by others' issues.
4. Set the example of forgiveness by forgiving yourself, forgiving your children, and forgiving others so that your children might learn to do the same
Parents can teach their children to forgive themselves for mistakes they make. They can teach them the value of cleaning up any mistakes by speaking and acting responsibly. They can also teach them to forgive others, knowing that they are doing the best they can based upon how they see the world. This does not mean that we condone bad behavior. It means that we can better understand why others do hurtful things at times and separate out that they do them rather than interpreting that they do them TO us.
5. Live with gratitude and support your children to be aware of and grateful for their many blessings
Parents can teach their children to have gratitude for their blessings in life. They can teach them that the world is an endless source of abundance for those who believe in themselves and their ability to attract good things.
6. Teach each child to expect success, happiness, rich relationships, and abundance
Parents can also teach them to play full out for what they want, committed to their goals with a vision of success without being attached to any result.
7. Teach children the art of visioning
Support them to create a written personal vision for every aspect of their lives and to co-create a family vision with all family members.
8. Teach children to set goals that are attainable, but a stretch
Parents can support their children to see what might be missing for them to be more effective with other people or in accomplishing their goals.
9. Teach them to identify their most prevalent emotional response to stressful situations
Teach them to create mood-free interpretations at will that are free of anger, sadness, and fear by developing empathy for the other person’s perspective.
10. Teach children effective organizational and study skills
Teach children to gain clarity about what their intentions are and reinforce the value of acting in alignment with their commitments, rather than what is most convenient.
About the author
Dr. Joe Rubino is an internationally acclaimed personal development trainer, life-changing success and life-optimization coach and best-selling author of 12 books available worldwide in 23 languages. He is the CEO of The Center for Personal Reinvention, an organization that has impacted the lives of more than 2 million people through personal and leadership development programs, providing participants with tools to maximize their happiness, self-esteem, communication skills, productivity and personal effectiveness.
To subscribe to his complimentary newsletters, learn more about championing your self-esteem, communicating more effectively, life-impacting personal or group coaching, and transformational courses or to read about his books, visit www.CenterForPersonalReinvention.com and http://www.TheSelfEsteemBook.com and http://www.highselfesteemkids.com .